God Loves Me So Much
Fiona Lum
Freshman year, I felt like my life was going the way I’ve always wanted it to go. I had a fresh start at a new high school and I made many new friends, had good grades and I even had a boyfriend. However, I also developed a habit of cursing, shoplifting and I even vaped a few times but it didn’t matter because I felt important and significant to my friends. Sophomore year, I started being more serious about my faith. I tried to break off my habit of cursing and I decided to get less involved in shoplifting with my friends. Many people noticed that something was different and they decided to question it. I felt as if all my friends were slipping away. Then all of a sudden, it felt like everything was being taken away from me. I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me, all my friends were slowly trickling away, my grades were dropping and felt lonely. I was so lonely and depressed that I didn’t even bother to eat. I was so upset that I had a lot of mood swings and I felt that I could never be happy again. I slept a lot because being unconscious took away my loneliness. I began to question God and question why he was taking everything away from me. I was angry at Him for leaving me alone with no one to talk to. I began developing suicidal thoughts and I would always wonder if I left this world, would it even matter to anyone? Although I was feeling all this anger and hurt on the inside, I did my best to hide it. Every time I went to church, I’d put a smile on my face and try to laugh as much as I could so no one could know about how I was really feeling. Church was the only place where I could escape all the pain and suffering I felt. But when I got home, I would stay shut up in my room and I only went downstairs when I was called for dinner. I slept a lot and I still wasn’t eating.
During the first semester of junior year, I was even more depressed. The little friends I had at school were gone and the only people from school who talked to me was either to know what the test was about last period or for me to help them on their homework. I felt like I as being used and that no one really wanted to know me for who I was. I began to text Timmy and as I texted him, I began to be more comfortable about telling him the troubles that I’ve had with my faith and the doubts that I had about God. He told me to read the New Testament and as I began reading the gospel, I started to learn more about how much pain and suffering Jesus had to go through. How he was rejected by his own people despite all the miracles he performed. How he was betrayed by one of his disciples and hung up on the cross. Reading the gospel made me realize that all the sadness and depression that I was feeling was nothing compared to what Jesus felt. Later that night, I prayed about putting my trust in God; I prayed to him to guide me through my life and no matter what obstacles I face, no matter how many people I lose along the way, I trust that God has a greater plan for me. I thanked him for sending Jesus to die on the cross for my sins. I confessed and repented to him that I was a sinner and I am in need of salvation and that I need God in my life.
Towards the end of February, my youth group went to the winter retreat and we learned about our identity in Christ. I remember that in the workshop that I was in, Jenny was sharing her testimony about her depression and bulimia and how she overcame it by learning to trust in God. I realized that I was similar and I began opening up about it when we came back from the retreat. During Friday fellowship, it was the first time I openly talked about my depression and many people were surprised that I was feeling downcasted for the past two years. After fellowship ended, Larissa talked to me and she mentioned how even though I feel sad and worthless God still loves me. She made me realize that I had more to live for and that I am His own creation. She told me that I matter and that I am full of worth, that I am a child of the King of Kings and that I can’t throw my life away when Jesus sacrificed his for mine.
Till this day, I am unable to develop a stable diet for myself. I can barely eat two full meals a day and I still feel waves of depression creeping in. I need to remind myself that God is always there for me and that he will always protect me. He is the Almighty God, the Lord of Lords, He is my rock and my protector and He sent His one and only Son Jesus, to die for my sins. Feeling like I am worthless is the opposite of what God wants. Jesus died for me so I could have a meaning to my life. He died for me so that I can live. I couldn’t see that in the beginning because I was clouded by my sinful life so God took all of that away. He left me with nothing except Him and I am thankful for that because I finally realize how much He loves me.